S4:E1: Navigating Self-Discovery and Relationships (with Troy Spry)

Ever thought about how the journey to self-discovery and growth plays an integral role in shaping our personal relationships? Ponder no more, as in our latest episode, we sit down with Troy, a retired certified dating and relationship coach turned enthusiast, whose insights will leave you re-examining your approach to relationships. After a fulfilling career as a coach, Troy has dedicated his time to helping individuals better understand their desires and needs in their relationships.

We explore the realm of self-discovery and personal growth in relationships. Troy emphasizes the need for awareness of our actions and the impact they have on our personal journey. He also sheds light on the significance of reality checks within our circles of friends and how they help us grow. 

Tune in as he shares valuable nuggets on the importance of self-esteem, the pitfalls of dating out of loneliness, and the necessity of knowing what you genuinely want in a relationship. Trust us, this episode is a transformational journey worth embarking on!
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More  About Troy: Troy has held a position as an official staff writer for the award-winning website BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com where he was the recipient of the “WRITER OF THE YEAR” and “WRITERS CHOICE AWARD.” Troy also has had the pleasure of writing for celebrity matchmaker Paul C. Brunson, has had his work featured in JET Magazine Online, and was chosen to be a guest blogger for the Steve Harvey Act like a Success Conference.

Troy’s mission is simple: to inspire individuals to first become better people so that they can become better mates, create better relationships, and ultimately help to build better communities.  He is a firm believer in the fact that you must live life intentionally and on purpose!

Connect with Troy via: Instagram.

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INSPIRED ACTIONS/THOUGHTS FOR THIS EPISODE:
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Which of the 4 Agreements most resonate with you?
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Transcript

Chantée Christian: 0:04

Hello good people. This is Chantée Christian, and you are listening to the My Best Shift Podcast. In today's episode, Troy and I talk about how it all starts with you. Hi, Troy, how are you doing today? What's going on? How are you? I'm doing well. Thank you for joining me on my podcast.

Troy Spry: 0:47

Thank you for having me. I appreciate it. I love to talk to the good people.

Chantée Christian: 0:51

Yes, and so, before we get too far in, why don't you tell the people a little bit about yourself?

Troy Spry: 0:56

Yes, my name is Troy Spry. I am what I like to call a retired certified dating and relationship coach turned relationship enthusiast, so that's really my title now. I'm a speaker, I'm an author, as well as a book teaching how to love. All that you don't know will hurt you, and really I built a movement around creating healthy relationships between men and women, that's dope, that's dope.

Chantée Christian: 1:20

And so, like what made you say you know what I want to be a relationship enthusiast.

Troy Spry: 1:26

Yeah, sometimes purpose just happens before you even know it's there. So, like, growing up, I was always the guy writing poems and letters to my friends, girlfriends, for them. And then I became the guy that came to for like relationship advice about stuff. Like we were young this is like young, like high school, right. People ask, like, what should I do? Why should I do it? Blah, blah, blah. So. But I've always been a writer, you know, at heart, and so all he said I was going to write a book.

Troy Spry: 1:54

So I started blogging back in like 2011 or so, okay, and in my blog my first blog ever was called a mother's love and then after that, I just started writing about relationship topics, like stuff I was seeing and hearing about like every single day, and the blog just started picking up and so my people started like writing me personally, asking for advice. Oh, why do you ask me for advice? I'm your body, right. And then I realized I was like it must be something here, yeah, and then, and then one day I'm gonna tell you I just met a guy online. He's big in the space. I was named Stefan speaks. Yeah, like one of my mentors, for you might play. He's the person who taught me how to get certified, how to build my platform, all those things, and the rest is history.

Troy Spry: 2:39

I started writing for big publications, so I write my book and now we're here. So that's kind of like the journey of it all, but what ultimately made me want to get into it was I really just had desire to see people have better relationships, healthier relationships, Because you know only I don't know if you know how it is, but if you ever see unhealthy relationships or you had to like live in it, yeah and I realized like, hmm, I must rather people be happier. Yeah, healthy relationships going to deal with the mess. That's unhealthy, and so that's really what it is for me. And so I always tell people it's a long-winded answer, but I always tell my mission is very simple it's better people, better mates, better relationships and better communities. That's what I believe All of it comes together when you get better relationships.

Chantée Christian: 3:21

Yeah, that's dope, because as soon as you started explaining it, it reminded me of like oh so you're the original hitch.

Troy Spry: 3:29

I take it, I take it, except I don't match people. I do not match people because that is, let me tell you, that's a task, right? I would not match people.

Chantée Christian: 3:41

I love that. I love that. It's so crazy that I feel like so often we don't realize our purpose in like their little seas that get dropped. And so to know that you have been writing for people back in high school, right, and then now you are still writing for people, but just at a different level, and so I think that that's is when it comes full circle and you can see it. You know, yeah.

Troy Spry: 4:06

You're like you were being prepared all along. You didn't even realize it.

Chantée Christian: 4:09

Yeah, yeah, that's dope. So let me backtrack for a second. So you're also a coach. So when you think about like relationship coaching and helping people move out of their own way I read his bio y'all and so when you think about that, what is something that you would say that you see people struggle with the most when they're in their own way?

Troy Spry: 4:38

Oh man, that's a good question and I'll tell you, the thing I see the most is people don't really know what they want. They think they know what they want. Well, you start asking them real detailed, deep questions about what it is they truly desire. They can't really tell you. So if you're out on a dating scene, right, and you are trying to find D1, but you don't know what the one looks like or what the relationship should feel like, or what it should do for you, what kind of values should add for you, what values you have that you should share with someone else, when you can't identify that stuff, how do you choose the right spouse? You know, yeah, like legit, that's like foundational right. So foundationally people don't know what they want.

Troy Spry: 5:19

And then the other part of it is a lot of people really don't have real self-esteem. People talk like they flex a lot on the gram. You know they say they have behind their degrees, they have behind their accomplishment. But when it comes to interpersonal relationships, people struggle, people struggle and they think they are more confident than they really are. Because what I see is people date from a place of loneliness. A lot. It's like this lonely place, this fearful place, and so you get usually get bad results when you do that right Always. I see those are like some of your top issues that I see pretty consistently. We talk about accomplished people. You look on paper, they resume it, but when it comes to people they fail in all the tests.

Chantée Christian: 6:05

Yeah, and that's interesting because that's one of the things that I tell my clients is that typically, I focus more so on career leadership, executive coaching. We end up doing life right, because who you are in one space is who you are in all spaces, and it just ends up manifesting. It might look a little different, but they don't know what they want in their career. They don't know what they want in dating. They don't know what they want in their partner, but they know that their partner ain't doing what they want. You hit the nail on the head and I'm like well, okay, let's back this up. Have you articulated to them that you didn't like XYZ? Well, they should know it.

Troy Spry: 6:44

They should know it, Just like their job should know that they want to get promoted right and I'm like, oh, that's new, so you want they should know me enough.

Chantée Christian: 6:53

Do you know you enough? Do you know you enough? You're preaching, yeah, because I feel like the more people talk about relationships with others, they're not really in tune with who they are and like, at a core, just who am I? And so, like you said, when they go out on the dating scene they're like, oh, I want the one. And I'm like, hold on, just define that. You want the one for right now, you want the one that's going to get you through this season, you want the one that's going to meet you at your new season. Or are you talking about your forever, ever, ever, ever, ever, because forever seemed like a long time. I ain't gonna lie. So are you?

Troy Spry: 7:32

And then it breeds, like this breeding ground for unrealistic expectations. Oh, yes, right, and so, like every one has got these expectations that are here and you don't even know where they came from you can't it came from Tik Tok or Instagram told you should have that expectation and it's like they don't live your life, right. So it's just these things like this that just they bother me, which is why I like to talk to people about this stuff, because we got to challenge each other to be better in this area.

Chantée Christian: 8:02

Yeah, and it's always a question of well, where did you get that and does it belong to you? And if it does, does it still serve you now like it serves you when you picked it up Right? And then, like social media, has people really really, really jacked up Like Jack, they got me jacked.

Troy Spry: 8:27

In my intro you heard me say retired coach, right?

Troy Spry: 8:31

Yeah and and the reason I say that is because I've gotten to a space where I Want to do more and reach more people with with less one-on-one work. But at the same time, one of the things that I just got so tired of Was the inauthenticity of people number one but then number two, the, the blame game, the gender war that's going on out here and People wanting to call me to vent about the other sex and all the other kind of stuff. I'm just like, yeah, that's not what I'm here for. Yeah right, I'm not some relationship enthusiast like I study relationships all day. Yeah right, I love the concepts, I love what the data say on all this kind of stuff, but it's a one-on-one, just coaching. I still coach client to. I had in the past.

Chantée Christian: 9:16

Yeah.

Troy Spry: 9:16

I'm not necessarily taking a lot of new.

Chantée Christian: 9:18

Yeah, yeah, that means don't call him when you see him out there. Don't be reaching out in his DMs. Talk about you want him to coach you, because it ain't happen.

Troy Spry: 9:27

As of 2023. It ain't happen. We can find another way to get you the information you need.

Chantée Christian: 9:32

Yeah, and I think that that's legit and I think that that's important about understanding your boundaries and Exercising them right, because so often, just because and I think that this goes across the board Is that just because you're good at something doesn't mean that that's where you want to spend your energy. It doesn't mean that's where you want to spend your time, and it doesn't mean you have to. You get to decide.

Troy Spry: 9:56

Yeah, I get to. I mean to me, like now I'm in this space of I know I'm more than just that, like one of the things I'm working on. My friend of mine, we're working on a podcast now I'm gonna have to get you to motivate me to do it. You can actually get my work done. But but it's called trail and Troy unleashed. Okay, right, so like TNT unleashed. The keyword is unleashed and I'm trying now to get into the more authentic space when I'm unleashed from just the boundary of being a relationship guy.

Chantée Christian: 10:29

Yeah.

Troy Spry: 10:30

Yeah, I got so much more offer the world that I think I can impact in a bigger way versus just being like oh, that's the relationship guy yeah, yeah.

Chantée Christian: 10:39

So I'm gonna take an opportunity and say we're gonna take out the word try. We're gonna do it. You're gonna do it, yeah, and Not just you think you are more than a relationship guy. You are. Yeah, language matters. You're right, language matters because you just articulated for a whole 10 minutes right about how you're more than just about Relationships and relationships have all the nuances and all the things. But you offer more than that, right as the author, as a speaker, right as an enthusiast, and so go do the damn thing go do it.

Troy Spry: 11:21

That's what it is, I think you know. One of the spaces I want to explore is how do I help people master all types of relationships? Yeah, yeah, they're not just like romantic ones, because those become like a reflection of, like you said, a lot of other things. How about the one you have with yourself? That's the biggest one. Well, that's the one we skip always. We skip that one. Why? Everything else, all the part. And then we have these friendships that are all screwed up, and then we have family relationships that are just a Mesh. You find something white to throw at you. We all a mess and we're like why is this happening? So we gotta have more authentic conversation around it.

Chantée Christian: 12:01

No, like that is so, so true, and so often we forget where the common denominator. And then it's like oh, look at what they did. Hold up, not to say that what they did couldn't have been different, but how'd you show up in this space, how did you contribute to it? I Remember it's been almost two years ago now but my dad and I were having this conversation. He picked me up from the airport in Charlotte. We were driving home, I'd just gone through a breakup and he was like well, what really happened? And I told him.

Chantée Christian: 12:36

I said you know, there came a point where I looked at myself in the mirror and I was like who are you, mmm Cuz? I wasn't showing up as like me in the house, but outside, everywhere else I was, and I was like what is happening right now? And it got to the point where I wasn't even frustrated with him anymore. It was like you don't even know me because I haven't allowed you to know me and I had to go do a lot of work. Well, I was ready to go jump back in this cesspool of dating because I was like Hmm, just like how you started off.

Chantée Christian: 13:10

Right, I knew what I wanted from other people, but I couldn't confirm what I needed for myself, mm-hmm. And it was just like, well, how can I? I'm out here telling my clients to go do this and go do that, and then here I am at home, not even recognizing who I am.

Troy Spry: 13:29

I happen, all the time, you know me, thumbs up. I have to check myself on something I shouldn't have done in my marriage that I'm just told somebody else not to do. I live probably once a week where I'm sitting there like I know I just had a conversation with somebody and I'm doing the exact same thing, but at least I'm conscious. Right, I'm conscious and I can catch it. Yeah, yeah, that's the bottom to me.

Chantée Christian: 13:56

It is and it goes along with. Once you're aware of something, you can make a conscious decision about how to move, and Then you become into the space of accepting it, which one way or another right. And that's so true because a lot of times people are unconscious, mm-hmm out here making wild and reckless decisions, mm-hmm, and then upset at the consequences that have come along with those wild and reckless decisions. And we're not I'm not talking about just you know any Joe snow. I'm talking about some really Acculated, loaded people.

Troy Spry: 14:27

Absolutely. And you look up you're like, how did you do that? We realized a lot of times the people around them never made them conscious, never, because those are the worst people. A lot of times, because people look up to them, yep, so much that they never call them on. Now they need to be conscious about so.

Chantée Christian: 14:43

They're like, they think they're it's don't think and it's really real thing, you know and that's why, when you said friendships, I'm like, listen, I have worked with so many clients about these circles of friends that they have and I'm like, alright, let's think about how real these people are with you. Hmm, I yeah, it's the things you complain it about. You haven't called one of your friends to say that and they no one checked you like. Not one person Said yo, you island? Yeah, not one person. You need new friends.

Troy Spry: 15:14

Yeah.

Chantée Christian: 15:16

Some is wrong with your circle, your community that you have built is to build up your ego, Not realizing you got to get reality checks. Often you know, and I'm like one thing I can my family. I love them dearly but they don't mind checking you or your ego or anything else along the way.

Troy Spry: 15:34

There you go, that's what you need. You're like that's what false is growth, right it?

Chantée Christian: 15:37

fosters growth. As I was younger, I didn't appreciate it, always got something to say why is your business? As an adult, I'm like you need people around you who Support you and have enough care about you to check you.

Troy Spry: 15:57

Yeah, absolutely, I had a. There was a person that I'm doing the podcast with the last party. Two, three years. You've become one of those friends for me, right, because you know, when you're the expert or whatever you supposed to be with, you know People are gonna challenge you in this way. So you spend so much of your energy Challenging them.

Troy Spry: 16:16

Yeah that you don't have that space for somewhere. You really want it. I think I started to desire it like Somebody gotta help me get better in some way or another, and he started being that person for me. Yeah, we kind of said, okay, we got something here. We should really start something and have these kind of conversations out loud yeah, it's to having conversations out loud part.

Chantée Christian: 16:36

So, like I had no desire doing a podcast Like at all. It was never top of my list of things to do, or like on top 10, 2030 or 50. However, in 2020, after George Floyd was murdered, I wanted to have open conversations with my community of black Executive. You know leadership friends that we were having behind closed doors Because I went to a predominantly white university for undergrad and graduate school. I worked in and have worked in a predominantly white male Industry and so I'm like so who's hearing us talk?

Troy Spry: 17:17

Each other.

Chantée Christian: 17:19

Right, and that's not where the power dynamic lies, right? So we talking about change and those sorts of things, what does that look like? And so I started this conversation called the unspoken truths of being black in America, being black in education, the workforce, etc. And I was like who? We did our first one and our only one, I'm done. And people like, oh, you got to do it again, what's the next one? I was like, uh-huh, the next one.

Chantée Christian: 17:45

You know how hard it was to get these four people on this thing at this time. Y'all hi, there's no way. And then I was like, all right, I guess we could do it until December and see how it rolls. And then they were like, oh, you should make it a podcast. I was like, not now, y'all tripping, I'm not making it apart. Then I was like, well, if I did a podcast, what it looked like? I was like there's no way, I'm gonna take the effort to coordinate for people's schedule, including my schedule, trying to get everyone on at once, but I would do one-on-ones to talk about Things that we typically wouldn't talk about, right? And so, like the first couple of seasons were friends, where I was like, hey, listen.

Troy Spry: 18:23

So I need you. I need you to come get on the couch. I need you.

Chantée Christian: 18:30

I need you, right, and we talk about communities. That's why, right, because my community Asked for it, but also my community supported it, right? I mean that they were like, well, hold on, let's see what you gonna talk about, what's gonna be what. I'm like, oh Lord. But we worked it out to a point where I was like I feel good about this, I feel good about putting my name behind it, and I'm like, if only four people ever listen to it, I'm okay with that too. That's it All right, cuz I'm like, well, you gonna listen to it. You gonna be like, oh, that was a dope conversation, but I'm okay one way or another.

Troy Spry: 19:06

You weren't doing it for clicks, right? You just doing it to have the conversation.

Chantée Christian: 19:09

No, I mean for brick. I didn't tell nobody, like if people were like just Google you and you got a pocket and then I had to go work on that. But you know, it was just, I wasn't doing it for them. It became a thing for me.

Troy Spry: 19:23

Yeah.

Chantée Christian: 19:24

Yeah, and then it came a thing for me, and then my close group and my close community and then it was like okay, well, I don't mind sharing it out there with the people is out there, yeah.

Troy Spry: 19:35

No, no long conversations matter, though. I mean I had to learn that too. Like you know, God gave me a platform. I mean it's not huge, right, but it's big enough, right, it's big enough to have a he's being real modest.

Chantée Christian: 19:46

Yeah, maybe a real modest.

Troy Spry: 19:48

What I say is gonna matter to people. Yeah, then I get me reckless about what I'm saying. Yeah, and I gotta let people know it's there. I used to be so shy, like you at first, about like Promoting something or put it out there or having kind of that imposter syndrome where you're like who am I to be saying this though? Yeah, then you start to realize you actually help way more people than if you kept it private preach. Yeah, I'm not sorry about it at all anymore. Yeah.

Chantée Christian: 20:16

I was telling some. I literally, I think maybe last week or week before last, I had posted something around One of the two books that I have, and so sometimes I forget that they are Amazon best-selling books. And Then when somebody finds out because I typically don't tell my client, if they don't read my bio, then they ain't gonna know, because I'm not starting off with and hello, my name is shanty Christian. I'm Amazon. No, I don't. We're not here to talk about me, we're here to talk about you. And so when they find out and they're like oh, I bought your books, I want you to sign them. I'm like what, y'all can't see me by? Just put my hoodie on like whoa.

Chantée Christian: 20:55

But and I put the I posted that. You know, something that I've been constantly working on is take up the space and is there for a reason, and People enjoy the books because of it's something in it that resonated with them, right, and so Just get over it and do it.

Troy Spry: 21:18

Here's the thing if you don't take up the space when someone is gonna take it over, be louder but be more reckless yeah, then I'm starting to see a lot of that and like the relationship space, where it's just like there are people in the space that are just reckless and very Toxic to the community. Yeah, but, but that's because what they're doing it from is a place of clicks and and views and it's money driven right, you can tell it. I mean, it's almost like it's very obvious, right. Whenever people are that extreme in their view on things, you're like, I know what this is about for you, but those are the people to get the most attention. So I'm gonna give the people at least a small space where they can come and get some light, extra reality.

Chantée Christian: 22:01

Yeah, and I, you know it's funny you say that because for the longest I didn't want to say I was a coach of Any sort, I don't care what you put in front of it, behind it, around it or beside it because I was like these social media coaches, mm-hmm, I'm like, I'm crazy. I was like where did you go get certified? Because I'm a hundred percent sure you also are not. I see, if certified you haven't gone through any sort of like. I mean, coaching is not licensed, right. However, you went to like a half a day you, you click the click, the click the click and got this certification. A little judgey, I understand, but I meant it because I'm like, where you can't tell people that you advise them to do that, wow okay, wow, that's the key word.

Troy Spry: 22:46

Wow, I'm like, and people latch on to it, though, because a lot of times, what I'm learning is so some of these coaches Online, right, they speak to the most broken pieces of the yeah, yeah, right, and when you speak to that broken piece all the time, you can get lots of followers. Absolutely right, and you can get lots of attention. Yeah, but I think it's detrimental to the progress of the culture.

Chantée Christian: 23:11

Yeah Well, because it's not authentic.

Chantée Christian: 23:16

Mm-hmm right and and it's not to say that people don't resonate with those things truthfully but it doesn't come from a space of healing.

Chantée Christian: 23:26

It's like I remember, like in the in the late 90s well, early 90s but everybody wanted to be a rapper, everybody wanted to be like Tupac and be like Biggie and all the things then hot boys, everybody wanted to be a version of something. But even thinking about singers, there were singers that have been promoted in the industry because of their celibacy, but not necessarily their voice right and what they had to offer. And when I think about what social media has done to coaching, relationship coaching, life coaching, all of the coaching I feel like it's the same way and people say, oh, it's a coach, oh no, and I'm like hold on, hold on, hold on, oh right, like even right before we got on the call I was doing a one-on-one and she was like, yeah, I seen this coach on Instagram and I, like a piece of me just Crumbled on the inside. I was like, please don't tell me. But then I was like but I'm a coach on Instagram.

Troy Spry: 24:23

Yeah well, you're in the same space, right? So I mean, yeah, it does hit you. You know you have that reality check, right. You're like people might be saying that about me. But then I go back to does it feel authentic for me? Yeah, Right, and do I feel good about the work I'm doing?

Troy Spry: 24:39

Yeah and I can open my Instagram or, I think, talk, whatever, and be like I feel good about this work. Yeah, I feel like it's impactful work. I don't feel like it's creating arguments. Yeah, it may make you laugh every once in a while yeah, but it's not like there to create this tension between men and women.

Chantée Christian: 24:55

Yeah, it's not productive, it's not, it's not and it's not conducive, like I remember going out on a date with this guy. He was a Kevin Samuel's follower yeah, he says something to me and it just ignited this like heat in my body and I was like where did you get that? And I was like come from a space of curiosity, shanty. Come from a space of curiosity. I'm like where did you get that ideology? He was like well, kevin Sam was. I was like yo, he pays your bills. Like we, the two of us, are sitting here in this space right now You're gonna quote someone who was also not married, you know, but and? And he was so staunch in the belief where I was like no, this is real. Like this is real and I had seen it on social media but I had never experienced it in person, you know. And I was like, yo, this, this is different.

Troy Spry: 25:55

It's like politics, right. It's like the polarization cells right. But we all know like smart people they recognize the answer to most things in the middle somewhere. The moderates are probably the best people to be running a country, right, right, people in the middle, right. Well, the extreme people only wanted to get attention because they can polarize the community.

Chantée Christian: 26:17

Yeah.

Troy Spry: 26:18

So when those people like the Kevin Samulites or what's the other end of this picture? I forget her name Cynthia. Cynthia G, oh yeah, on the women's life, these polarizing figures that have you literally mad, at the same people you want.

Chantée Christian: 26:32

Say that part one more time.

Troy Spry: 26:35

They literally have you mad at the same people you desire to be with. Like how does it make sense? Make it make sense. It don't the math don't math the math, don't math. And then you go on a date with a lovely woman Right. And now you? Because you can't even think through how you're being brainwashed. You can't even have a genuine conversation that's curious about her and how y'all could fit together.

Chantée Christian: 26:59

No, if it was, it was, and we had a significant age difference, and so I was like, oh, this guy is more mature, he's, you know. And then when he hit me, I was like, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's back this up. I was like, oh, I got more work to do. That's like I'm not ready for this. I'm like, actually, I don't like this right.

Troy Spry: 27:22

Yeah, I don't want to be a part of this.

Chantée Christian: 27:25

Yeah, this is not the person I want to be with and the person I want to be in community with. Right like just much choice perspective, but I feel like social media portrays so much that people also see they're a perfect couple. Everything's great over there. Listen, if if y'all don't take anything else from anything I've ever said. There is no perfect couple zero, zero perfect couples.

Troy Spry: 27:52

You show me a perfect couple. They can't be human like legit. Like not gonna work.

Chantée Christian: 27:58

No, I mean, even animals have Disagreements and arguments. If you watch anything on on the wild, yeah.

Troy Spry: 28:08

So then again, it breeds Unrealistic expectation. I think that's one of the biggest reasons that the marriage rates are what they are. The divorce rates are what they are. Even married people aren't. Married. People are not. They're not very honest with single people About what marriage looks like. So think about that if no one's ever been honest with you about it and you get into it and it's really not exactly what it looked like on Instagram. That's why you see these one and two-year marriages. And then people are out. They're like oh, you don't make me happy anymore. Mm-hmm, I ain't feeling, you know more. Oh, we grew apart or they stopped being able to do the honeymoon thing, yeah, and they're taking the trips. And then, when life start, life and an adulting started, don't think and now you like, oh, I'm not a handle. This only had a skill to handle this.

Chantée Christian: 28:52

Yeah.

Troy Spry: 28:53

Long term things. So I go to someone else and I start over. So to me, like, married people tend to do single people at this service with a marriage, but also with the way they talk about marriage. So what I mean by that is most times married people are only talking about marriage in a negative way and they'll downplay it. They'll be like, oh yeah, she on my nerves or oh, my man, he just this and he's yeah Always say, but why they still there? Right, there's a reason they're still there. But I always try to tell married folks like, if you don't been about something, you better counter it with some positive yeah right, yeah, that's not good either. They like that's a, that's a. You know, that's a hot button for me.

Chantée Christian: 29:37

It is legit, though, and I feel like if we put this Just a plug for the show, if we put this to all the ships right, mm-hmm, like I think about my clients who aren't 30 yet or approaching 30. Mm-hmm, they're going through this life crisis of Not being where they thought they would be. Mm-hmm by 30. Mm-hmm. Looking at people on Instagram going on trips, buying houses, getting cars, getting married, having kids, all the things. Mm-hmm, when they have no idea what's happening behind that camera.

Troy Spry: 30:13

Oh God, they got a loan on going that trip.

Chantée Christian: 30:17

Right, they could have taken pictures from somebody else's trip, I mean. And at the end of the day, is that even what you want? There you go Like, is that actually what you want? Yeah, that might have been what you wanted, right. But when you talk about unless realistic expectations we put, we as a people put unrealistic expectations on ourselves and then are extremely disappointed and frustrated when they don't come to pass. But there was no agreement on it, right. So, like I hate the word expectation so much because typically, if you had an expectation of me, you didn't articulate it to me and I didn't agree to it, but I went and did something outside of the expectation, you're upset.

Troy Spry: 30:59

Yeah, you, it's your fault that you upset the amount of clients I used to get like that, like I mean, like what you said is like they will have these like grand expectations, like he should be doing this three times a week before times. I said you know that and most times they don't. They haven't communicated anything, they just like sitting there stewin to get mad. Yeah, a resentful yes, we like ready to call it off, I and I'm like dang, did you have a conversation about that? No, oh, I don't know. That stuff bothers me. It bothers me Because we're whole adults. Everybody's growing into. It becomes time to communicate, right.

Chantée Christian: 31:40

Because, when you think about it, who taught us how to communicate in relationships?

Troy Spry: 31:45

Yeah, usually a parent. It usually didn't communicate Right. Yep, I get it Right.

Chantée Christian: 31:51

And I'm a com major and I'm still struggling.

Troy Spry: 31:55

Let me tell you the thing we have that's so different now, though, is we have so much more access to information, right, yes, and we have really no excuse to be able to find something out If it's not feeling right, if it's not going right. People ask me a simple question. I'm like did you Google it? Google is your friend, and most times, I'm like, oh, I'm like yeah, and then one article brings you to another, which brings you to another video, and now you're all the same. You got a couple of communication skills, yeah, but you got to know that you're lacking in it.

Troy Spry: 32:27

Because that's what we said, right People not being willing to tell you.

Chantée Christian: 32:31

Right. People not willing to tell you and you not having enough self-awareness to say, hmm, this could be me, it could be me, it could be me.

Troy Spry: 32:45

I got a whole chapter in my book called it's Not them as you, oh, and let me tell you, if people read that one, they're like, yeah, you called me out, because a lot of times that's what it is, and I went through the same journey. It's not like. This is abnormal.

Chantée Christian: 32:59

Yes.

Troy Spry: 33:00

You're a born selfish being. It doesn't feel good to know you're not good at something or to be at fault for something. It doesn't feel good, no. So no one's walking around saying, hey, let me see what's wrong with me today. But emotionally mature people, mentally mature people, understand that you have to challenge your own thoughts and your own process.

Chantée Christian: 33:18

Yeah, yeah, that's good. One of my favorite. Well, let me be clear I don't really like to read books, but I like to listen to them, so one of my favorite books, though, is the Four Agreements Mm-hmm.

Troy Spry: 33:32

Mm-hmm, I know it. I don't think I've read the Cliff.

Chantée Christian: 33:35

Notes for it. Oh, and the whole thing is a Cliff Note, but it's like I don't even think it's 100 pages, but I read it at least twice a year Because as a only child I realize that sometimes it's not always about me.

Chantée Christian: 33:52

Oh, really you know you figured it out. I had to figure it out. I had to figure it out the hard way because at home it wasn't like that Right. Ooh. And I also realized that, because of the assumptions I would make based off of it being all about me, I was creating these grand stories about everything, whether it be at work, whether it be at home, in a friend group, and I had to keep checking myself. I'm like why, why, what is?

Chantée Christian: 34:23

this and I was like, oh, it's me, it's you, it's all you. Ok, but that book I swear they should give me some sort of credits, because there is always a point with all of my clients. I have yet to have one that I have not referred to one of those agreements. Most of the time it's agreement number two.

Troy Spry: 34:46

Don't take anything personally.

Chantée Christian: 34:48

Yep.

Troy Spry: 34:49

That's the one.

Chantée Christian: 34:51

Because so often if someone did something to us oh, they don't like me yeah, they probably didn't even realize you were in the room when they walked past you.

Troy Spry: 35:02

Didn't? Oh man, I used to like that all the time.

Chantée Christian: 35:06

They didn't respond to your email. You know what? They probably haven't seen it. It could have went to junk, like a million things. Or they saw it and said I'm going to get back to it when they have an opportunity. There you go. Their lack of response is not you.

Troy Spry: 35:21

People do that all the time on the job search, right On the job search. They take it so personal. Oh, they didn't write me back when I sent them my LinkedIn message. They got a million LinkedIn messages. They probably ain't checked it in five days and maybe you didn't communicate well enough to what they wanted to call you back.

Chantée Christian: 35:38

It's a gazillion different reasons why they have not. Yeah.

Troy Spry: 35:43

So look, can't take everything personal.

Chantée Christian: 35:45

You can't take it personal Right and it's like people are like oh, I'm like maybe read all four, but it's just. But it's the but, it's the realization that it's not actually about you.

Troy Spry: 36:01

Look. This translates to dating all the time. Say so yeah, and dating people get people quit dating because one person didn't call them back, or one person went ghost on them, or they got a message in their Bumble app that they didn't like and they're like. I'm done with this. I'm not good enough for these people or why they do this to me and I'm like it's not that serious, it's not. It's not that you didn't invest anything, they just didn't call you back. I can give you a number. It's okay. They probably had a girlfriend or they had something else going on and realized it couldn't put the effort into you or whatever it is. Now, if you've been bested for a long time, then I get that right.

Chantée Christian: 36:46

I don't even get it, then, because if you're present enough to accept that each experience is exactly what it's supposed to be, when it's supposed to be or where it's supposed to be, and someone ghosting you, that's not a reflection of you. That's a reflection of them and their immaturity and in capability or lack of ability to be able to communicate what it is that they want, need, or that they have made a different decision.

Troy Spry: 37:16

And do you want to be with a person like that?

Chantée Christian: 37:18

Right, like I can't tell you how many times I've been ghosted and I've been like thank God, I know now.

Troy Spry: 37:24

Yeah because now I know that you can't communicate like an adult.

Chantée Christian: 37:27

And I have invested months into people that have just fallen off the face of the earth and at first I'm like, lord, did you die? You all right. And then I have that check. It's like, oh, your heart's still beating, then All right, cool. And even then, even if you don't, that's even it. Like so often, I feel like we search for closure and not realizing that the door has closed.

Troy Spry: 37:51

Look, I mean, look, I put this on. I think I put something like that on Instagram the other day, where it was just like people don't owe you closure. The closure is that the relationship no longer exists. Yeah, that's the closure. Yeah, right. And what I believe we do, though, is we hold on to closure so we can hold on to them. Yes, right, that's why we do it, and so it gives us a reason and excuse to still send that text message, to still stalk their Instagram page, slide their DM, create fake pages, all kind of crazy stuff. It gives us a justification for that when it's a waste of energy.

Chantée Christian: 38:28

It's almost like boxing, like, so when you swing and you don't hit, you use up more energy than when you actually connect, and so, being really focused and in alignment with you, like, I feel like that goes back to like our relationship with ourselves, being able to take that L right, like you know what? He ain't call back, she ain't call back. They ain't call back. All right, right, they didn't message back. Okay, they left me on red. Okay, okay, okay, because, at the end of the day, do you want to be with someone like that, and what about? That makes you say that you want to keep chasing that? Yeah, mm-hmm, like, what hole are you trying to fill with this chase? That's it right there.

Chantée Christian: 39:18

Yeah.

Troy Spry: 39:19

That's it right there. And I'm telling you it translates to like, even like, when it comes to people approaching people. We are so worried I was going to ask the client, oh, ask the client, tell me the worst thing that could happen, the worst if you said hello, what's the worst thing that could happen? And usually they don't say hello back or they don't want to talk to me. And okay, okay, you guys don't mean you're a bad person, don't mean you're ugly. Your breasts think it doesn't mean anything.

Chantée Christian: 39:50

It means they didn't want to talk to you Again for all different reasons, mm-hmm, because it's actually not about you, not at all, not at all, it's not you at all.

Troy Spry: 40:02

But yet we fear rejection so bad, we fear judgment so bad that we'll do anything to avoid it. Yeah, anything, and that's not good either.

Chantée Christian: 40:14

No, there's this term. Lately that has really been grinding my gears around, people pleasing, and I'm like, oh, the words yes and yes and Right, you're really attempting to appease yourself. That's it your own ego. Your own ego, because the people didn't ask for it. No, most of the time, that's it right there. So you're afraid of disappointing who, well, did they say they were disappointed? Did they articulate an expectation that you agreed to and then you fell short on the agreement? Hmm, no, it's a bunch of made up assumptions and stories that you're basing every interaction and action based off of.

Troy Spry: 41:05

That's it. And you're draining yourself dry Listen, draining yourself dry and then blaming the world for you being tired. I'm so exhausted it's every. Life is so hard. Well, you spend 90% of it trying to please somebody that don't need to be pleased.

Chantée Christian: 41:22

That we're just happy we're doing whatever the hell they were doing Before you showed up. They were happy Before. Oh, not that one Before you showed up.

Troy Spry: 41:32

This is that thing. It's about, like family relationships, right? You and I both know there's those family members who always need to borrow something, right? Yes, they always want to borrow a dollar, or borrow some money or whatever, or need you to come through for them. What happens when you don't? Right, when you don't, they still figure it out. They figure it out. I don't need to please them. They will figure it out Every time. But what will we do? We'll let them borrow it, then get mad at them for not paying it back. We knew they weren't going to pay it back in the first place.

Chantée Christian: 42:04

And not respecting our boundaries.

Troy Spry: 42:06

There you go. They're not going to respect that. You better pay my money back. Watch this Usher right. Watch this. That's what happens.

Chantée Christian: 42:13

Legit, legit. So tell me, as we wind down, what would you like to leave the listeners with?

Troy Spry: 42:23

It's simple Start with you. Like every good thing that's happened to me the most growth, the most growth financially, the most growth physically, mentally. Mostly it's all started with checking myself. So start with you, because there's no power in blaming everybody else. No, that's a word.

Chantée Christian: 42:43

No power in it, so start with you. Yeah, that's what's up. So where can the people find you? Go find me on Instagram at exclusive5.

Troy Spry: 42:52

It's XKLUSIVE5. So exclusive5. I know everybody likes to run Instagram, so I'll say that first. But you have a website, it's , so XKLUSIBEthoughtcom, and from there you can kind of find me all over the place, but you don't do anything else. Follow me on Instagram.

Chantée Christian: 43:10

OK, and then we'll make sure that it's also in the podcast notes so people can find you. So thank you so much for joining me.

Troy Spry: 43:19

Yeah, thank you for having me. I appreciate you.

Chantée Christian: 43:24

Thank you for listening to this week's episode of the My Best Shift podcast. I enjoy talking with Troy about different types of relationships and how it all starts with us. For more information or if you'd like to reach out to us, please visit at mybestshift underscore LLC on Instagram. Remember, STOP doing shit that doesn't serve you! See you later, bye, bye.